I am alive and well in Oxford and loving it beyond expression of words. Seriously. I'm never leaving.

but why did Panic have to pick this week to implode upon itself? I do like having to mourn amidst a great adventure. But such is life, I suppose.

someone I used to know.

Um, I'm going to England in 12 hours? To study at Oxford for 6 weeks? Unreal. For real. WHAT?

I can't find my insurance card and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sleep because of it. Always something, you know?

you guys big bang is amazing. I knew I would be just too damn in love.

I need cheerleading on my own bang girls big bang though. help?

until then, have some Glambert.



( I think you're crazy, just like me )

three too many.

bandgirlsbang

I'm doing it. Oh damn! I hope I finish it!

...sooooo who wants to help me brainstorm?

let's talk about how the only women twitter-ers spencer is following are Britney Spears, Heidi Montag, and his sisters.

here is a picture of my tattoo, for all who have not seen it!

also, that's my flickr and I really enjoy that website, but I have little to no idea how to utilize it. If you have a flickr and want to be my friend, you should do such! I really like to look at other people's pictures. I also feel like Flickr just makes every picture look really good and artsy. And any venue in which I can convice myself of such is totally approved!

I am home on Spring Break and I'm so happy that school is on a break, but I'm aching hardcore for some entertainment. My sister, who I usually hang out with the most on breaks, is away for the entire week on a college trip. Most anyone else was on spring break last week and it's just getting really lonely already. I tried not to burn my bridges from high school relationships, but it's honestly just a lot of outside factors that have driven my friends away. One of my friends moved away with her family. The other was far away to begin with, but now she goes to school in MA and does other things with her break. Courtney was supposed to come with me for the break, but she's going to Europe next semester and she wants to save money.

The point being, even though I love florida a lot, I feel like it's not really a great place for me. The weather is everything I could ask for around this time of year. There is not a more beautiful place that I could live. I'm really glad I spent my formative years here, but when I come home, it's like I'm visiting a place foreign to me. I don't know anyone here anymore. My high school is becoming really distant now. I have grown up and even though Florida has treated me well, I just don't feel like I could establish myself here anymore. I feel like there are a lot of things that hold me back here and maybe it's my family and the smallness of my town and the general disconnect that came with going to school an hour away from my home. Maybe it was the spread of my friends or the fact that I just didn't get to grow up for real until I went away, but I feel this tug in my heart being here.

I want to love FL and embrace it, but at the same time I just want to leave it, cover it in dust. I hate the way charm has been sucked from this place. I hate the way the 4 o'clock sun beats on the asphalt of US 19, the way the beaches are closing down and the constant construction to build what? what? But then I sit on my dock and watch the sunset, or the space shuttle launch and I want to dive in the gulf, put my feet up on the deck chairs and smile and talk on the phone like an old woman.

I know I don't have to be anything, make any decisions right now. My parents left Tennessee and came to Florida and it's not like a recess, but maybe TN just happened to me in the right time in my life. Maybe it's just a misplaced love of college and the freedom that Memphis represents. Maybe it's nothing. it's nothing...

le sigh. it's just not feasible to pay for another year, given the amount of usage I give this journal. Doesn't mean it can't change though! We shall see.

So I am in the Vagina Monologues at my college and our first performance is a mere 11 days away!!!!! My monologue is "Because He Liked To Look At It" and it's going to be EPIC because I have so many really good friends in the performance with me. This is my first dramatic performance since...the eighth grade play? My Chinese 101 Final skit last fall? Either way: I am nervous but it is overpowered by my EXCITEMENT. Also: my parents are coming? I know my mom is coming because she's my MOM of course she wants to come. But I also just found out that my dad will be in town and hence coming as well? My father is going to sit through a series of monologues about various vaginas. Not that he'd be uncool about it, it just seems kind of hilariously awkward. and then factor in the part where I talk about some dude looking at my vagina and getting lost in it? should be interesting.

Also! I have an appointment to get my tattoo on friday!!!! ahh!!!! I'm so thrilled and nervous and excited AGAIN.

ugh you guys, it's 3:15 and I do not have any homework done. Looks like I'll be staying awake all evening. sigh

The really great thing about having really great friends is that you can get mad at them just like you would your siblings, but you still want to talk to them afterwards. I'm pretty lucky to have such genuine friends who really do care about me and make me laugh while also making me a better person.

My birthday gets closer and I like to think about these things.

So I have a consultation with the tattoo artist at my chosen shop on Saturday and I just wanted to write up a little bit of the proposed idea and plan.

My idea is to get a full moon on my back shoulder-ish area about the size of apple. it would look a little something like this without all the junk going on around it and obviously with a bit more shading and the like.

My reasoning for getting it is that intense connection I have with the night. I've always been a night owl; staying awake all night just to be in the quiet, writing away or just thinking. Also, the moon is always changing, but it's always there, looking at the Earth and I can't help but think it marvels in the Earth's beauty like I do so often.

There's also a connection with the Panic at the Disco song Northern Downpour which is just so beautiful and clear to me. The first time I really fell in love with the song was on a drive to Louisiana after I won my first poetry contest. The two girls going with me were asleep in the car and I was driving, just listening to whatever I wanted and this song came on at one particularly long stretch and it just made so much sense to me at that point in my life.

I also feel like a lot of things about me wane and wax and every time something has to take a backseat, it always shows up again, regardless. The moon is a symbol of that; the ever-changing face of things but the core is always there.

On a meta-level, this tattoo is also kind of about deciding something for myself. I feel like I let so many things outside of me control the things I do. I know it may not be the smartest thing to do, but I don't know how else to make myself remember that I need to have faith in myself above all others to pull me through anything or achieve anything. I can't let the expectations/hopes of others interfere with my own.

so that's coming up. should be a fun next couple of weeks.

So the holiday seasons are over (finally!!!) and I am so much happier. I really just dislike December, I might really need to hibernate around that time of year from now on. My birthday is coming up and I'm hoping to have a chill birthday, especially since I have NO CLASSES on my birthday. I'm sort of nervous about how this semester will work out, but hopefully I can hit the ground running and get my act together early. I think I need to focus on segmenting my life a little more and making it more organized and thought out, less indulgent and plan-changing. I need to stay committed to my commitments but also let myself have some down time so that I'm not screwing myself over every Sunday night.

so I expected to make myself pack about half of my crap tonight, but that didn't really work out. Tomorrow I'll have to do a few more things, but hopefully going to bed before 3 will definitely aid with that. And I get to sleep in tomorrow, so that's going to be awesome

-pack clothes
-pack things
-pack accessories
-read/clean up all newspaper articles I've saved throughout break
-get magazines in one place and maybe pitch a few
-clean off desk
-get nails done
-clean off shelf
-spray ant killer in bathroom
-upload pictures to dad's birthday present picture frame
-make sure all emails are responded to

ugh.

I am so bad at naming these posts. I guess it's kind of one of those things where you have to actually write something before you title it. like a poem or...a bad student film.

So I'm not sure how to break this to LJ: but I'm not really sure if I'm going to renew my paid account this year. Honestly, how stupid is this, I really only use the scrapbook feature and the extra icons :/ and the moodtheme when I remember. and the polls sometimes when i actually am confused or am bored as hell. ugh. i don't know! last year I just sort of did it because but now with the economy and BLAH i don't know. It doesn't really matter all that much, since this is kind of my fic journal and it kind of doesn't do too much anymore.

Which brings me to this point: WHY AM I NOT WRITING ANYTHING?!?! I READ so much though! And I'm totally in love with my bands and everything, but I just have been feeling like I don't have the skills to pursue writing anymore. I've been working on poetry forever and now I'm starting to get good? I don't know! I need more time is the point. Idle hands...

I just made a shirt order for my sorority that says "If this formal's MOROCCAN...don't come a'knockin'!" with a picture from Casablanca on the cover :P I am clearly the coolest. Bet you wish you were my date now, huh?

I just got an email back from that tattoo artist I wanted to do a piece for me and he said it'd be awesome :) now I've just to, y'know, do it. AH!

http://twitter.com/aexo

idk. we'll see how it goes. another way to spend my evenings i suppose.

you guys. omg. I was one of the first ten people to use the the code.

Good thing I cleared the order with my mom this afternoon, hahaha. merry christmas to me.

So I just ate dressing and sweet potatoes like it was my job. Southern Thanksgiving rocks all socks ever, sorry. Southern women really do it better.

Anyway! I'm thankful for all of you guys and all of those guys and everyone who thinks I'm funny enough to listen to.

So I'm going to spend the rest of the day browsing the Urban Outfitters website and making a Christmas list. Tell me what you want to find under your trees or menorahs or holiday arrangement or your Winter Solstice coniferous hackings.

:) Happy Holidays.

Don't you hate it when people greet you the morning after a social gathering with a "and how are you feeling today?" It's kind of embarrassing in a gratifying way. Lucky you! everyone saw you make a fool of yourself.

But really though. I shouldn't be proud of it, but it's kind of excellent to be lovingly jeered in such a manner.

So I'm thrilled about BMW, especially thrilled about Travis's amazing kicks for that kid. I'll be treating him like my own, so don't get easily freaked out.

I just read through the last 40 entries on this journal and realized I haven't been very proactively involved in fandom this past year. But I just want to explain myself a bit, I suppose. I really do read and comment on fic when I actually sit down and enjoy doing such! I pay attention and read icecrmheadaches like it's my job! My del.icio.us is a bighugefucking mess because I just bookmark things without any sort of filing system and then there was that one time where I switched over from IE to Firefox and del.icio.us was like "here! let me put ALL your bookmarks in here without any tag or organization and you won't loose them, won't that be WONDERFUL?!"

I guess I'm unofficially saying that I've got ~48 hours of scholarly responsibility before converting the rest of the week into Thanksgiving break and I would really enjoy getting my internet in order. Because you know, a happy internet is the first step to a happy life. In other words, if I read all the fic I can read before my eyes start to itch, maybe I can pull my Bs up to As and act as if happy sophomore me has been working hard all year instead of just the week stretch to finals.

I have an essay due in Chinese class tomorrow at 5. I find this entirely unfair. An essay?! I procrastinate on those professionally nowadays and Chinese is becoming a "oh hey, there's a test in two days! lets do all the work I've forgotten about tonight!" kind of class. Hence the clock turning over to 4 am and no essay to speak of.

And to think I was considering law school as an option just a mere 9 hours ago! Clearly I need to develop some alternate study habits before that comes into play.

Luckily, my Southern Lit professor's wife [should have already] had a baby, so class is canceled tomorrow, giving me an extra hour to do all this stuff that I've put off currently. which translates to me coming back to the room and dicking around facebook until I realize ohshitIhavetoBETHEREnow. Such is my life. comfortably predictable in a charming fashion.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz?

Hell. Yes.

today was one of the most important days in my collegiate life. We were gathered around our little television that stands on a fridge and we heard Obama speak about the youth rising up against the stereotype of apathy for our political culture and it just all came rushing out. Holding my friends' hands and hugging and crying with utter joy, that feeling of accomplishment in the face of difficulty. That's what it means to vote, that's what it means to be an adult.

I feel lame for not posting here that often, but I really am a full-time student hence my lack of time to do anything beyond my school responsibilities. and sometimes I don't even get those done because, well, sleeeep.

So tonight is Halloween and for the first time in my LIFE I am not going out to do anything. There are a couple parties but honestly I am just feeling like I'm thisclose to getting sick (again!) I have a cough and a headache and body aches from all the coughing and oh my GOD I just hate it when people talk about how sick they are and how they're getting sick again, but I swear to god, I'm not being a lameass and talking about my poor health in a feel-sorry-for-me manor! I'm a healthy person for the most part but blah. Sometimes I just need to be real with what's going on.

Would you guys like to know about what's going on in my life? I'm so mysterious! I'll try to make some categories under different cuts and hey! maybe you'll be interested in my world for a few minutes.

( school )

( sorority )

( room )

( poetry )

( the election )

this Halloween is a total bust. I just want to go to sleep.

You've all seen the "It's Almost Halloween" video from our dearest Panic, correct? get on that shit if you haven't

Is it weird that I have such strange fantasies of Panic (specifically Jon and Spencer) getting TRASHED so that they can do their dancing in their costumes? Because you know that part towards the end when Spencer FLAILY FALLS over that tree root and is all smiley like it doesn't matter that he almost broke his neck in the forest? You think that's like, two shots in? three beers? AND THEN there is that part where RyantheSkinnyMummy is singing to the camera at that party and DRUNK DANCING JON dressed like Frankenstein is grooving in the background with some lady and then DANCES OVER TO RYANtheSKINNYMUMMY with a beer and dances all up on him. so great!! And then Brendon is mysteriously not in much of the party scenes (because clearly Shane shot the video and was all "Yo, I'm looking out for my bro who is entertaining a lady friend elsewhere") because oh my god in both shots he's talking to a group of girls and his body language is all "heh. threesome?"



also, there's this AMAZING video. just. wow. you have to watch it.



and then there is FOB being wonderful and FAD-promoting and Pete about to raise a little family! So much to rejoice about! So good to be a FOB fan.

Sadness about Chris Faller leaving The Hush Sound though. I guess this makes my primer...not as cool?

I guess that's kind of all I have to say. I bought a bag of reese's so in the spirit of Halloween, I'm going to eat a couple and then pass out. hurrah.

for something big.